“And you see how you’ve been taken
You won’t surrender
But now your heart is breakin’.” – John Waite

There’s a poignant scene in the 1989 holiday classic “Christmas Vacation” where Clark gets locked in the attic while the rest of the family goes to town. While in the attic, he becomes misty-eyed watching old videos of days gone by as Ray Charles provides a beautiful backdrop with his overlooked 1985 song “The Spirit of Christmas.” Clark is of course watching videos on an old reel to reel projector and reflecting upon simpler times from nearly 30 years ago from when his parents and grandparents were younger and Clark, just a boy in 1955, wanted nothing more but to play with his sled in the snow and examine the contents of his presents under the tree.

In a movie known mostly for its outlandishness, it’s a quiet, soft, wonderful moment in the movie. I was Clark Griswold recently only I wasn’t trapped in an attic bundled in ridiculous attire to stay warm, but instead I was seated in a fold-out camping chair in my garage, aka my makeshift video studio. Over the past several months I have been converting old VHS tapes to digital. I think twenty something years of lugging around boxes and tubs full of old VHS tapes is long enough. My back surely thinks so. In one corner of my garage, I have an old television, a combo VHS/DVD player, and an old Macbook Air loaded with conversion software that transfers the physical video to digital. As I convert one VHS tape to digital, I toss the old VHS tape into the trashcan nearby. I admit though, it is difficult to let that physical piece of history go. Even though I’ve preserved it onto digital medium, a little part of me feels the past slipping away with every tape that gets thrown into its’ new forever home destined for a city dump somewhere.

So as the late Sunday sun was setting and darkness was taking hold inside the garage, I sat misty-eyed watching an old VHS tape slowly come to life featuring my wife and daughter and myself 23 years younger. There were scores of cameos from friends, nieces, nephews, uncles, aunts, cousins, grandpas, and grandmas which made it all the more endearing and meaningful as the grandparents are no longer with us. The year of our Lord 2001 mine as well have been 53 years ago instead of 23.

“Do you remember
When you got your lucky break
You’re looking back now
And it seems like a mistake”

And John Waite singing “Change” in 1982 mine as well have been a million years ago…

The one constant through the years has been baseball. No, Ray, actually the one constant through the years has been change. It doesn’t matter who you are. And I’m thankful for that. I love change… quarters, nickels, dimes… hey-oh! (pause for laughter). Seriously though, who wants to be stuck in a time and age never to grow or change? The irony of this little blog is that it may seem to be stuck in an era of big hair, neon colors, and music that never dies but it’s also an ode, a tribute to the passing of time and to that change within us all no matter the difficulty or circumstance that may have proceeded it.

I was watching another old VHS tape a few days earlier. This one was from 1988 and it was nearly Christmas in our household in Norman, Oklahoma. It was an evening where it was only my dad, mom, sister, and myself (oh, and our dog Krissy). I watched as we hung lights and ornaments on the tree in our living room all carefully orchestrated by our mom. I watched as I sat on top of my struggling sister laying on the couch as every big brother must do at least once a year. I watched as her and I frustratingly tried to tell my dad how to work the video recorder that he was using (“Dad, there’s a button that you can push for the time and date, you don’t have to say it outloud!”) Then, I watched as my sister and I sat side by side reading Luke 2 from The Bible (as was always custom at Christmas growing up). I also watched in sadness and shame as my sister (just weeks shy of turning ten years old) mispronounced the word “espoused” (meaning engaged) in Luke 2:5 where it says Joseph was to be taxed with Mary, his espoused wife, being great with child. Instead, my sister said his “exposed” wife, which to be fair was pretty funny, and so we all laughed. Except her. My sister cried. She was embarrassed. She was hurt. I took The Bible from her and continued reading while my sister quietly wiped the tears from her face all preserved by my dad’s filming onto a 36 year old VHS tape. Watching that moment unfold, I felt embarrassment and shame but not for her, but for myself. An older, wiser, changed brother that could travel back in time would have put his arm around her and told her it was ok, that I was proud of her for reading the greatest birth story ever, and that I love her and we all make mistakes. Who ever uses the word “espoused” anyway? Why didn’t King James just say “engaged?” Then, when the tears started to dry up, I would have told her that the story could have taken a very dramatic turn though were Mary riding into Bethlehem exposed on the back of a donkey. We would have laughed together then, and continued on.

The feelings of guilt, shame, and insignificance are woven throughout the whole birth story though when you think about it closely, verse after verse. They are not exclusive feelings for just you and I to take ownership of and display like some sort of twisted crown of grief won through competition. No, they were the same feelings a pregnant virgin teenager must have had upon miraculously being conceived with child before being wed to her man, Joseph. The same thoughts and feelings this young couple of teenagers fleeing Nazareth must have had, riding on a donkey and carrying the Messiah who will one day save the world. Just for fun, where did God have them for the birth of a King? A comfortable bed in a warm, well-lit inn with attendants by their sides. No, in a stable, a cave, an old wooden shack, whatever imagery you like, the fact was they weren’t staying in a Holiday Inn Express. All was planned accordingly and foretold, but it had to all be beyond the scope of Mary and Joseph’s human minds. As a man, I think immediately about Joseph. Can you imagine Joseph’s thoughts? The King of all Kings is being born right now… in this place? Really? As a father myself, a provider, a protector, I would definitely have thoughts of shame and embarrassment at this scenario if it were me. Nowhere does it mention this is what Joseph thought, but it wouldn’t be unreasonable to think that these thoughts crossed his mind a time or two. After all, he too was like us – a fallible human father with limited understanding.

“We always wish for money
We always wish for fame
We think we have the answers”

It’s so easy to think we have the answers, and sometimes we do, but sometimes our answers change as we grow. And hopefully those answers lead us to change for the better especially in a time and age where it seems everyone has an answer for everything – answers mostly on how “to improve things”… your health, your wallet, your home, your work, yourself. It is so easy to become cynical and bitter in our world today when people fail us, because people are not perfect. And the imperfections and the failings and the triumphs and the successes will change us because life commands it of us. But please don’t let events from 1988 or 2008 or 2020 continue to bring upon you crashing waves of guilt or shame. Treat them like an unwanted Christmas gift – please return to sender. It’s too easy, especially this time of year, to pick up that shame, that embarrassment, that feeling of insignificance and lug it around with you. Remember, those events have helped shape you and who you are today, but guilt and shame are not meant as burdens to be carried throughout life like a box of VHS tapes or better yet like a heavy old wooden cross. No, they are meant to be carried to the cross and left there.

“Some things ain’t ever gonna change (change)”

You and I will change mentally, emotionally, physically (I’ve got to stop eating the green and red Christmas M&M’s!), but I am also glad that there are some things that “ain’t ever gonna change” like this music video. This wonderfully, corny video was in heavy rotation on MTV upon its’ release, and features then actress/model Tina Gullickson in a leading role and carrying a bit of a cocaine habit apparently. Those of you with a love of Jimmy Buffet may recognize or know her as a long time singer (since 1995) in Jimmy’s band “The Coral Reefers.”

From 1982 (and also again in 1985 from the “Vision Quest” soundtrack), a song that peaked at #16 on the Billboard Hot 100, this is former Babys lead singer John Waite (make sure you make it to the end of the video for “the big reveal”) carrying us through “Change”…

Thanks for reading. Thanks for being you. And Merry Christmas.

sincerely,

the80s